Archives For Parenting

IMG_1258The following is a post I wrote for Practicing Families on ‘spiritual practices with our children.’

‘Thank you God for your love. Thank you for your kindness. You are good and gracious. Alleluia.’ 

Now imagine that sung in a faltering monotone and you get the gist of our every meal grace.

My soon-to-be sixth grader now contributes his unreliable, pubescent voice to the effort, meaning whenever he can make it to the last note sans cracked voice the song becomes its namesake: an act of grace. An underserved gift from the Almighty.

My boys are 8 and nearly 12 respectively and we’ve sung that grace for as long as the former could speak and the latter could speak English.

Sometimes they sing it without thinking. Sometimes they sing it without feeling, that is, because we’ve forced them. Sometimes they really sing it without thinking, as reflexively as put the knife on the right side of their plates. There have even been times when they sing with surprising thoughtfulness and sincerity.

In other words, my boys engage the practice of saying grace exactly like grown-ups do.

It’s become a habit in the best sense of the word, a practice which over time, through God’s grace, and in spite of ourselves, Thomas Aquinas says, can cultivate the chief of all virtues: charity.

But my point isn’t the practice of saying the grace. It’s where they- we- first learned it.

5 years ago my boys started helping with one of our homeless ministries in DC, Sunday Suppers. It’s an incredibly simple, Jesusy ministry. Make a large meal in the church kitchen along with brown bag lunches for the next day. Drive the food into DC near Capitol Street. Set up tables and chairs in a parking lot. Kick on some music (Marvin Gaye is best).  Invite the poor to come sit down and share dinner with us.

It’s not a ministry for the poor.

It’s a meal with them. As though we were all part of the same family.

It’s what I think of now when I hear that line from Luke about people coming from East and West and North and South to eat at table in the Kingdom of God. I think of the red, blue, green and yellow metro map that segments the district.

My boys learned the grace there, sitting across from a Chinese immigrant with lots plastic grocery bags and no English and a heavily tattooed, pierced homeless guy who wove grandiose conspiracy theories while the sun set in the shadow of the Capitol Building.

A lay person from my church taught the song.

We’ve been singing it since.

My boys have sung it too- with that same lay leader- as they’ve participated on our church’s mission teams to Guatemala, spending a week at a time in indigenous Mayan communities- serving along side grown-ups and teenagers from my church.

 

They’ve both been several times. They expect to go. It’s what they do.

More importantly, it’s how they’ve learned to do the faith.

Engaging hands-on, eye-to-eye, one-on-one with those the materially rich label ‘poor.’

Learning that our definitions of such things are all upside down in Jesus’ Kingdom.

Looking to find the face of Christ in the stranger.

Sure, my boys have had such opportunities because it comes with Daddy’s job and, initially at least, they participated precisely because it was my job. With nowhere else to go, they tagged along.

As with most gifts from God, the blessing of their participation has revealed itself only in hindsight and certainly does not reveal me as any sort of stellar parent with the sort of spiritual foresight that warrants my title (‘Reverend:’ one to be revered).

I didn’t intend the practice of engaging the poor to form my children’s faith, but I can with hindsight identify that it’s done just that.

A rock-solid observation from which I derive a few thus-and-so’s.

Too often in the Church we make the mistake of teaching our kids about the Word Made Flesh with nothing but words.

Coloring sheets, bible-based word finds, children’s sermons, Sunday School lessons, graphic-novel bibles and-horror- discussions.

Too often we don’t put flesh on all our words about the Word Made Flesh until our children are teenagers, at which point they’re no longer interested (and, truth be told, we’re more interested in them ‘serving’ the poor so they’ll come home ‘feeling grateful for their blessings’. Bleh).

The point is: too often by the time our children become youth we’ve bored them.

With all our words.

Or better put, our many words have made the Word boring with too many bible studies and too few bible do’s.

In too many ways, we ex-carnate the Word.

But the flesh is just as crucial as the words in knowing the Word Made Flesh.

The grace my boys sing is a means of grace not just for the words they sing but for the memories those words recall.

I’m a firm believer in spiritual practices and a poor practitioner of them, but I’m doing more than saving face when I point out how so many spiritual practices are words, words, words.

But with the Word Made Flesh the words tend to be active verbs:

go, do, eat, welcome, embrace, forgive, feed.

Whatever else we count as spiritual practices, I think the list has got to start with the verbs the Word Made Flesh gives us.

And just count them in your bible- there’s more than enough verbs to keep your children busy for quite some time. It’s easy in fact. Make a meal. Set a table. Kick on some music (Marvin Gaye never fails). Find a sinner, a stranger, or a poor person- none of which are hard to locate. And welcome them to a feast.

As a parent, I get how families are often reluctant to expose their kids to more than they’re ready and as a pastor I get that engaging the poor isn’t always easy and seldom does it abide our sentimental expectations.

It’s risky. I get that. But I also know the risk that runs in the other direction is no less bothersome: the risk they’ll grow up thinking the Word Made Flesh has no skin and bones- the risk they’ll think Jesus is boring.

But a dude who gets murdered by an Empire is, by definition, NOT BORING.

Yeah, it’s risky, putting your kids in situations you doubt they’re ready or old enough for, but as someone who’s watched my boys, I know kids are ready for it.

At least, they’re ready to do the kind of stuff Jesus did rather than just read and hear and talk about it. Maybe that’s exactly what Jesus meant when he said the rest of us need to become like them.

Like children.

Maybe the spiritual practices of our children is one place Christians need to believe in re-incarnation.

 

 

This is from my friend Elaine Woods:

I’ve been a mother for 21 years.  I’ve celebrated 21 Mother’s Days.  If you look in my nightstand by my bed you’ll see the cards and notes from each of my four kids over the years. Some of them resemble squiggles of their younger years; recent cards are filled with creative, loving poems and thoughts.  Occasionally I’ll look through that drawer, and pull out a cherished treasure.  The other day I came across one that said,

 

Dear Mom,

I wish we did’t have to eat meet for dinner.

Love, Your Son.

 

Each card means so much to me. I’ve been blessed.

 

Every year my kids ask the same question, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”  Now they know I’m a fan of Starbucks, massages, and chocolate, so they know any one of those will make me happy.  Yet still, they ask.

 

When I think about Mother’s Day this year, what I really want are two things.

 

First, I want my kids to know that I truly, unconditionally love them.  Really.  I love them with my whole being.  I will always be there for them.  Now this doesn’t mean I will give them anything they want or support any decision they make, but it does mean I will always have their best interest at heart.  Children don’t always understand this.  As mothers, we do.

 

When my kids get frustrated, mad, or angry at me for decisions I’m making, they are confusing love with getting what they want.  That’s okay.  If they ever get the chance to be parents someday, then they will understand.

 

Another thing I want is for my children is to serve and appreciate others. I know this sounds altruistic, but there are so many reasons why I want this for my children. Mainly because it will shape their character and mold them into loving, responsible adults.  They don’t understand that these characteristics will ultimately bring them the most success and joy in life, but I do.

 

If you ask them right now what they want out of life, they will probably say a great job, lots of money, a big house, and a dog.

 

As parents, we want to make our kids happy.  We love them, and have the power to instantaneously make them happy.  It’s easy to get sucked into buying our kids the latest toy or electronic. Just try to get out of Target without waiting in line while your child looks around and says, “Can I have that?”

 

As Director of Children’s Ministries, even I get caught up in ways to entertain and entice our children so they will want to come to church: Should I get inflatables?  What about a mini-carnival?  How much candy or treats should I serve?

 

While these are all good ideas and fun to do, we know what matters most is the character of our children. In church lingo, we call that spiritual formation.  Christian spiritual formation is a lifelong process of becoming more like Jesus. While today’s culture is telling our children that life is “all about me,” we can remind them that life is really “all about God.”

 

We can practice this daily. Teaching our children to serve and appreciate others begins when we first teach our children to say, “Please” and “Thank you.” Later, as they mature, we have them visit sick relatives, write thank you cards, share their things, volunteer in church, etc.  Let them be the ones to answer the question, “What needs to be done?”

 

The more they give to others, the more they will appreciate what is given to them.

 

I realize my Mother’s Day list won’t happen in one day, or even one year. Raising a child takes time. To me, motherhood is a celebration of life.  I’m thankful for the life my mother gave me, the life I see in my children, and the eternal life with our heavenly Father.

 

 

He Wants Hesed

Jason Micheli —  May 8, 2014 — 4 Comments

DESIGNI’ve been invited to write a monthly column for the website Practicing Families. It’s focus subtitle is ‘Real Faith, Real Life, Real Grace.’ In other words, how do normal families in the ‘normal’ world practice the faith in their homes and pass it on to their kids.

As someone who gets paid to be a Christian, I’m probably the last person who should be writing on this subject. Nonetheless, I’ll try. If you have any questions about or any experiences you’d like to share about ‘the spiritual life and kids’ I’d love to hear from you.

I encourage you to check out Practicing Families.

As a teaser of things to come, here’s a reflection I wrote about the grace-filled lesson I learned from picking my son up from school. If you like this, then check out my eBook: Jesus is like Gandalf & 9 Other Things My Boys Have Taught Me about God.

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A week or two ago I was late picking up my youngest son, Gabriel, from school. On my way to my car, I got waylaid by a tear-stained church member who proceeded needed to dump about 3 decades worth of marital anguish on me.

It was the kind of encounter that, even when you don’t actually enter the conversation, it’s tricky to make a clean exit:

‘I’m sorry you’re in the midst of an emotional and spiritual crisis, but, my, look at the time! I’ve got to run. Call my secretary and have her put you on my calendar for a more convenient time. In the meantime, I’ll pray for you. Bye!’ 

In truth, I was only a few minutes late. The crossing guard had just left his post. Teachers cars still filled the parking lot. A few parents lingered on the playground chatting.

I wasn’t that late. It was just a few minutes.

But to Gabriel those few minutes were everything.

Because up until that day he’d always been able to rely on me being exactly where he expected me: By the tree, next to the flag pole.

Before that day I’d always been steadfast.

And- I know I’m projecting now- but, seeing the scared, lonely expression on his face when I finally came for him, it reminded me of the first day we spent with him. It reminded me of our ‘Gotcha Day’ (which for him, at the time, was experienced as ‘Leftcha Day’) the Easter afternoon when baby Gabriel looked around for his foster mother only to discover she’d left while he was playing with these two strangers on the floor of the hotel lobby.

Here’s one of the things my kids have taught me.

You won’t read this in a What to Expect When You’re Expecting book. I doubt it’s been a featured theme on Super Nanny.

And, I admit, it sounds minimalist but I daresay any child of divorce- including this one- would beg to differ with you.

Here it goes:

80% of parenting is just showing up.

Being there.

Being there when they expect you.

Being there when they need you.

And being there even when they don’t think they need you.

Believe it or not, Hebrew has a word for this ‘I’ll meet you by the tree, next to the flag pole every day’ kind of love.

It’s called hesed.

It’s a love based in a covenantal relationship, hesed is a steadfast, rock-solid, I’ll-be-there-no-matter-what faithfulness that endures:

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love (hesed) for you will not be shaken” Isaiah 54:10.

Hesed is the kind of love that persists beyond any sin or betrayal to mend brokenness and graciously extend forgiveness:

“No one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love (hesed).” (Lamentations 3:31-32)

Hesed, as any first semester Hebrew Bible student knows, is how God loves.

Like other Hebrew words, hesed is not simply a feeling. It’s an action. It intervenes on behalf of loved ones and comes to their rescue. It’s often translated as “mercy” or “loving-kindness.”

Those translations mask how hesed is meant to convey an unswerving, reliable loyalty in every instance.

Not just in the dramatic Exodus, Burning Bush moments.

Every moment. 

Hesed is love that can be counted on, day after day and year after year. It’s not about the thrill of romance, but the security of faithfulness. Hesed is the promise that

‘God’s steadfast love endures forever.’

Hesed is Jesus’ promise:

‘Behold I am with you always…’

I first learned the word hesed in college. I learned to decline the Hebrew in seminary.

But it wasn’t until I had kids that I really discovered what hesed means.

Before I had kids I worried that parenting meant always having the right answer, always knowing exactly what to do or say, constantly doing everything according to the books so that I would rear healthy, loving, secure, gifted children.

Now I know that not only was that naive, it was unnecessary.

Because if hesed means that God’s love clings to us steadfastly through every moment of every day, then that means no moment of every day is without grace.

There is no moment of any day, in other words, that isn’t made sacred.

Just by God showing up and being there.

With us.

And if that’s how God’s love works for us, then ditto for how our love works with our kids.

Something as mundane as meeting my boy by the tree next to the flagpole is as holy as Moses by the Burning Bush.

 

Got Church?

Jason Micheli —  January 27, 2014 — 4 Comments

This is from Elaine Woods:

Why do you go to church?

This was the question I asked my daughter yesterday afternoon while driving to piano lessons.

I thought for sure she would say, “Because you make me.”

Instead she replied, “Because I like to learn about Jesus.”

Taking a cue from my pause, she continued her thought,

“Mom, it’s like if you have a friend, you want to get to know all about them.”

As I thought about her answer, I realized how true her statement was. We not only learn about Jesus in church from scripture and sermons, but from the fellowship of members and guests; how we interact with each other.

Do we rush into worship?

Do we exit right after the service?

Spending time at coffee hour does more than give you a caffeine rush.  It allows time for multigenerational conversation: kids sharing with grandparents; mothers bonding with other mothers over family issues; teenagers joking with young kids.

Faith is about relationships.

When we feel connected to something, we feel a part of it and take ownership in it.

That’s when the Gospel comes alive.

People return to church week after week because of the people they will see there.  Knowing someone’s name and asking them about their week means so much.

You never know if coming to church is the highlight of someone’s week.  I remember years ago a friend was going through a difficult breakup.  The only thing that got her from week to week was knowing that on Sunday mornings, she would hear an inspiration message and feel connected to something bigger than herself.  She felt a part of God’s family when she worshipped.

One of my favorite parts of the week is Sunday morning.  You may think I’m just saying that because I work at a church, but I truly mean it from the heart.  I’m energized and uplifted when I interact with teachers, parents, kids, guests, and friends on Sunday morning.

I hear stories from parents on how their child actually wants to attend church again because of a Sunday school group.  I get to see the joy in a child’s face as they recognize their teacher and run up to give a hug.

I hear families planning their next weekend outing, or dads strategizing on how best to coach their child’s basketball game.

I’ve seen tears well up in the eyes of those singing or listening to a favorite song in worship.

I’ve also seen the faces of those exiting worship; shaking the pastor’s hand and thanking them for preaching, “as if you read my mind.”

When Jesus began his ministry, he didn’t do it alone.

He gathered 12 Apostles to minister with him. He was teaching us about fellowship, that is, a partnership; a bond with each other.

In ministering to and with the Apostles, Jesus was modeling to us what the church body should look like; Groups of people coming together, developing friendships, working together in the body of Christ, and then sharing their experiences with others.

We gather in church as a physical form of fellowship. As followers of Christ, we also experience fellowship when we gather spiritually in one mind and body worshipping our Lord.

Coming to church on Sunday mornings not only allows us to learn about Jesus, but we get to experience first hand what Christ meant by fellowship.

 

 

1231472_10201379536123104_1520633178_nOurs is a God who speaks creation into being, reveals more often through vowels and consonants than pillars of cloud and burning bushes.

Our scripture is mostly story form.

Our faith is narrative so it makes sense that our faith would be passed down narratively.

Here’s this reflection from Elaine Woods, our Children’s Minister:

I love a good story.  I’m entranced when someone tells an interesting story about what happened to them.  From the set up to the climatic conclusion, a good storyteller captures your full attention.

My grandmother loved to tell stories.  Whenever I would stop by and visit her, she seemed to always have something to say.  Whether it was about her garden or canning fruit, she made it sound interesting.  She spoke in a causal, relaxed tone; never seemed to be in a hurry.  I rarely felt that she was preaching to me or telling me what to do.  And yet, I learned from her.  To this day when I sew, I can hear my grandmother’s voice saying, “I like to make sure the inside seams are as pretty as the outside ones.”

With all the technology we use today, the art of storytelling is fading away.

No television, computer, ipad, or internet can replace the face to face, interaction of someone telling a story with gestures, facial expressions, and tone inflections.  It’s an active communication between two people.

As a parent, I try to monitor how much time my children spend using media.

I must admit though, it’s usually the first thing they want to do after school, homework, or activities.

It’s such a temptation.  And with our busy lifestyles, even parents succumb to going online far too often.

My daughters were recently getting ready for their Homecoming dance.  As we were talking together, they asked me about my high school years. They wanted to know if I had homecoming dances at my school, and if I attended any of them.  The conversation took a turn down memory lane for me as I shared about my high school dances and dates.  I even pulled out my old photo album; the kind where the photos stick to the white pages with the “magnetic” plastic covering.  I showed them the yellow stained pictures of me in my Gunne Sax dresses.  We laughed hysterically.  Afterwards they said, “Mom, I didn’t know any of this about you!”

What a wonderful opportunity we have as parents to share stories with our children.

No matter how many times they roll their eyes or poke fun, children are interested in their parents and want to get to know them.

Personalized stories can become a starting point for parents to share their faith.  Something as simple as sharing whether or not you attended worship as a child and what that looked like.

Family gatherings at holidays, weddings, or funerals are also an opportunity to discuss faith with your children.

Keep in mind the more detail you go into, the better chance that your child will relate to parts of your story. These stories do not have to be elegant or something that happened long ago.   If your faith is new to you, let your children know that. Their faith is still new to them, so they will enjoy knowing that they are not alone. As long as you are sharing about yourself, it will mean the world to them.

Stories brought to life are exciting.  Just look at the bible.  Stories of prophesy, murder, redemption, love, and forgiveness occur in the first book alone!

Sharing stories with our children allows them to see us as more than just “parents.”

They see us as people with our own experiences and feelings.

Inviting grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family members to connect with our children through stories is invaluable.  Children will learn they are part of a larger, grander story than just their own.  Faith will become real to them as they see it through the eyes of family members.

Life is a gift from God.  We have the opportunity to share this gift with our children through stories.

 

 

 

 

 

1231472_10201379536123104_1520633178_nWe’re in the middle of a sermon series on Generosity and Simplicity. This is from Elaine Woods, our Children’s Minister:

Teaching children about generosity begins in the home.  Even children who are three years old can learn to give a toy to another child or to draw a picture for a sick friend.

The Lord tells us  

“And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward.”  Matthew 10:42

The most effective way to teach generosity to children is when parents model this behavior themselves.

Seeing first hand when parents give their time and money to schools, churches, families, and charities instills a behavior that children will model.

When children see their parents helping in Sunday school, serving the homeless, participating in worship, giving money in the offering collection, and helping a friend or family in need, they learn how to be generous.

They also learn by participating in the giving.

A few years ago, one of our neighbors had a house fire.  I didn’t know them, but I can only imagine the devastation they felt at losing most of their home.

Our family decided to replace some of the lost items.  It became our mission to find out the children’s favorite toys, where the teenager liked to shop for clothes, and what food the parents usually prepared.

We shopped together at the mall and grocery store, making it our task to find “just the right item” for each family member.  I remember the sparkle in my son’s eye when he found the perfect Spiderman toy and said, “Mommy, he will LOVE this!”

Later we made supper together and delivered the bags of food, clothing, and toys to the family.  My children were able to witness the joy on the faces of the family receiving the gifts, and the joy they felt at giving to others.  Afterwards, my son said, “Mommy, that was fun!  Can we do it again?”

I try and teach my children that generosity not only includes giving things to others, but also giving our heart to Jesus.  We have so much to be thankful for: our home, our family, our friends, and our church.  Generosity begins in the heart by giving our love and time to Jesus; getting to know Him and following His ways.

What better role model do we have than Jesus to teach our children about generosity?  He gave his time helping and healing others, his money, and eventually, his life.

Instilling a generous heart can occur at any age.

Children are no exception.

Teaching them to serve not only helps others, but develops and nurtures their relationship with Christ.

I’m blessed we have so many opportunities to be generous!  I look forward to the upcoming Christmas season and who my family will choose to serve next.

The Silver Lining of Prayer

Jason Micheli —  November 2, 2013 — 1 Comment

3300This is from Elaine Woods, our Children’s Minister.

 What is prayer?

Prayer simply means talking and listening to God.

A conversation.

We teach our children as young as three years old to bow their heads, close their eyes, fold their hands together, and pray. There’s no right or wrong way to pray; God always loves to hear from us.

As we mature, our prayers become more complex as we thank and praise God, ask for forgiveness, and petition for something for ourselves or on behalf of someone else.

We can pray aloud or silently.  Standing or kneeling.  Individually or collectively.

A few years ago I remember sitting in the pews with others at church as our pastor said, “Will you all pray with me?”  We bowed our heads and closed our eyes.

The prayer started out like others, graciously giving thanks and praise.  As our pastor continued praying, his tone became softer.

His voice almost cracked.

He was speaking from the heart; almost imploring God to remember and bless His creation.

The sanctuary became silent. He took his time with each, genuine word.

I was witnessing an intimate, pure, and holy conversation. The humility and sincerity in his voice was moving.

At that moment, I learned more about my pastor’s faith than any previous conversations I had with him.

Although he has a gift with words, what I heard that morning was faith, and the extent to which it impacts and shapes his character.

When we share our inner most thoughts with God, without hiding behind our masks of insecurity or pride, our soul is exposed.  We see ourselves for who we are, and perhaps, who we can become through Christ.  It’s a barometer of our faith journey.

Since God is all-knowing, the gift He gives us through prayer is self-realization.

He shines the light on our strengths and weaknesses.  We can never hide from the truth when we are walking with God.  His truth is revealed in our innocent, honest, and loving communication with Him.

The real silver lining of prayer occurs when we open our hearts to God and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal our truths and transform us.

God hears our prayers.  He answers them according to His timeline.  While we are waiting, He blesses us with the gift of discovery, both in Him and in ourselves.

 

Daddy, You’re My Hero

Jason Micheli —  October 21, 2013 — 1 Comment

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Halloween is on our minds in the Micheli house, that Autumnal time when we panic over which candidates we’ll vote for in the coming election and, even more importantly, which comic book character we will dress up as.

Or, why dress up like a conventional character? You could create your own.

‘Daddy, you’re like a super-hero,’ my son said this morning.

‘You can run fast and you help people.’ Awww.

Maybe he’s on to something though…

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You: Conduits of Love

Jason Micheli —  September 12, 2013 — 2 Comments

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This is from Elaine Woods, our Children’s Minister.

Why is it that people at church are more comfortable talking to others about weddings, new babies or hairstyles but avoid asking them about their unemployment, divorce, or addiction?

Do you know that in your congregation you will find people who have lied, stolen things, or have had extra-marital affairs?

You will also find parents who’ve had to bury their children.

Just because people come to church doesn’t mean that sin and suffering aren’t a part of their life.

I find it ironic when people who don’t attend church expect those that do to be perfect.  It’s just the opposite.

Church should be a place where we can freely let our guard down as we grow and develop our faith.

If we truly are a “church family,” then we should act like a family.  Families accept and love each other regardless of differences or disappointments.  They share what’s happening in their lives, and provide bits of wisdom to help each other along the way.  But mainly, they are there for each other.  Whether they see each other every week, or perhaps take a few years off, families have a bond.

I understand it’s uncomfortable to talk to someone you barely know about personal issues.

But what about the person you have seen at church every week for the last few years?

Have you taken the time to get to know them?

Jesus came to earth to show us how to live.  His parables, miracles, and words were meant to guide us on our path of reconciliation with God.

It is only through Christ that we can accept God’s love and wisdom and thus, give it to others.

We become conduits of love.

Christ love flows into us, changes our hearts and minds, and prepares us to serve others.

If we try to do this on our own, our egos or insecurities get in the way.

This is what the future church should resemble.

A community of faith that forms followers of Christ, depends on fellowship with other Christians for support, accountability, and unity, and finds areas to serve and give back to the world.

It doesn’t care for worldly values, attitudes, or what the neighbors think.  It doesn’t exist to make you feel better.  It should change your thinking which in turn will change your behavior.

It will create Disciples of Christ.

 

 

 

photoWho wrote to Her Boys’ FB Girlfriends

You probably saw this letter that went viral recently written from some boys’ mother to their girlfriends on Facebook. Though I saw many uncritically ‘liking’ it, my wife’s reaction told me I wasn’t the only one who thought it another, if gentler, example of blaming girls/women for boys/men objectifying them.
If you didn’t see it, you should probably read it first. 

Dear Boys,

I thought I’d write you this FYI even though this is wildly premature.

You’re both still at the age when neither of you is sure how the internet works nor can you distinguish between Facebook and email.

The word ‘selfie’ probably strikes you as a good name for a stuffed animal or a Marvel villain, and the mere mention of GIRLS makes one of you blush and the other wrinkle your nose in embarrassed anger.

This may be premature, but perhaps not. After all, who you will be begins right now, with who we’re helping you to become. That’s a parent’s baptismal promise, to shape you so that your character is grounded in the character of Jesus.

God, I hope your Mom does a good job of it.

Just kidding.

What it means to have the character of Jesus, who was the perfect image of God, is to regard others as the exact image of God.

That means, boys, to see people as holy, as sacraments, and sacraments- as you’ll learn in confirmation- are examples of a whole lot more than what’s visible to the eye.

That means, boys, to treat people as (God’s) people.

And never as objects.

It means you never see only a person’s physical beauty, or notice only their lack of it- which I also hope you’ll learn is a terribly unbeautiful way to live.

Brass tacks time, boys:

If you see a pretty girl, in real life or on FB, and from that point on that’s all you can see in them or that’s all you can think of them…that’s YOUR fault boys NOT the girl’s fault.

I hold you responsible and I’m damn sure your Mother will too.

Sure, said girl made her choice when she dressed said way.

But you, boys, make your choices too.

You can choose to objectify others or you can choose to treat your neighbors as your self.

In truth, if you do grow up to objectify girls, boys, it’s our fault too, your Mom and me, for letting you be shaped by a culture that sexualizes everything for a $ and only sounding the alarm years later when we don’t like what its done to you.

But I don’t think that will happen to you boys.

Some parents excuse their boys’ demeaning girls by demeaning boys, treating boys as though they were no more than talking animals, slaves to impulses and emotions.

I think I’ll give you boys more credit, which also means I’m giving you responsibility.

You can treat girls as they should be treated.

But let’s be realistic, sometimes you won’t. You’ll have impulses, thoughts, desires…and THAT’S OKAY. It’s natural. It’s part of being human. It’s not any girl’s fault and it’s not yours either. It’s not dirty or bad or unholy.

Jesus (God) was human, don’t forget, so there’s nothing that can run through your head that didn’t run through his. And so there’s nothing you need to be ashamed of.

When you hit puberty, boys, you’ll realize to what an extent that’s Gospel.

Good News.

While we’re on this track, boys, let me just say that, like other parents, your Mother and I certainly hope you’ll ‘wait’ for that perfect girl (and if it’s not a girl that’s fine too, but that’s an FYI for another day).

Always remember, though, if you do wait you’re no better than anyone else and no worthier of my love.

Or God’s.

And if you don’t wait, you and your other whomever is no less beautiful to me. Or God. Parents who suggest anything to the contrary are on some ugly, unGospely footing.

Finally, boys, let me ask a favor of you.

If, in the years ahead, a girl friend of yours ever posts a ‘selfie’ on Facebook, please don’t let me pontificate to you or judge your friend.

And please don’t let me use faith-based innuendo or pious-sounding (but still very sexist) double standards to imply that your friends are slutty. Even if our culture’s still not beyond that, Jesus was.

Just remind me, boys, that you’re still just children. Figuring life out.

And if your friends do post ‘selfies’ I hope you’ll never let me get so self-important (your Mother will probably help) that I feel empowered to shame your friends or lecture their parents via social media (it’s their job, after all, not mine to tell their kids what not to post) or think that complete strangers on the internet should read my parenting advice.

Love,

Dad

PS: If I do ever lecture your girlfriends about what they wear in FB pics, please remind me to take down any shirtless pictures I have online of my own kids.