Driving down the GW parkway, I make sure it’s dark enough outside so drivers next to me won’t see the tears streaming down my face. The car is my only refuge; the only place to let my emotions out without fear of my someone seeing the complete despair and pain on my face. The sobs continue. My shoulders heaving up and down.
Pain reaching down to the same place in my body where life was once growing, and then, pulled out of me during childbirth. If only I could pull this pain out and discard it forever. But it doesn’t work that way. Heartbreak is one of the strongest emotions we can experience. Whether losing a loved one or a relationship, heartbreak strangles your core and refuses to release it.
The tears flow so consistently that I must pull over to avoid an accident. I pull off the road to a parking lot that faces the Potomac River. Luckily, no one else is around. I search the radio stations for my favorite Christian music. Nothing seems to comfort me. I pray, actually beg, God to take this pain from me. I promise to be a better person, a better mother, a better disciple.
Why me? Why ME? Lord, you promise not to give me more than I can handle. I can’t handle this.
I come across a gospel station. I hear the song, “Take Me To The King,” by Tamela Mann. I love the repetition of gospel music. I hear again and again the words “Take Me To The King.” The intensity of the singing touches me. The desperate need to have God’s healing speaks to me.
A small voice inside me says:
“I am here. Reach out to me. Give it to me.”
I want to, really I do, but I don’t know how.
Then I remember scripture and the words Jesus promised: Have faith. I’ve over come this world. I love you. I will lead you.
I start to feel better. The spark of hope slowly begins to burn brighter and brighter inside me.
I cry out:
“Okay Lord. I’ll give it to you. Please take it.”
Months later, I reflect on that night. I can still taste the tears. I can still recall the sorrow I felt during that time. But I also know that pain doesn’t last forever. Joy returns. Smiles and laughter will come again.
I remember participating in a women’s bible study years back and hearing someone say, “I welcome trials in my life. It strengthens my faith.” I also remember silently thinking, “What? Are you crazy? Not me. I don’t pray for any hardships.”
While I still don’t pray for hardships, I better understand what she was saying. During trials, our faith is strengthened when we rely on God and His healing.
When I was distraught, I read my Bible every day, listened to Christian music consistently, and prayed about 4-5 times a day. I wasn’t being “extra-religious.” I was desperate.
It was a special time with Christ. And yes, over time it did strengthen my faith.
Unfortunately, we ALL will have trials and adversity in this life. That’s a given.
How we act during these times is the key. It’s the key to recovering and it’s the key to learning about God.
I’m not saying you will instantly feel better. You may only have one good hour, or one good day. But think of this time as an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. Rely on His strength.
One of my favorite Christian songs speaks to this message:
Bring The Rain – Mercy Me
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain