Shudder – to tremble with a sudden convulsive movement, as from horror, fear, or cold.
That moment when you want to find the nearest cave and just stay there awhile – or maybe longer….
Not a good kind of chill – a shudder.
That horror. That fear.
That recognition that leaves you cold.
That moment when it feels like nothing will ever be ok again.
Oprah helped bring the watered down version into our vocabulary – the AHA moment. But I’m talking about the shudder moment.
Isaiah talks about it:
“The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of man humbled; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day, and the idols will totally disappear. Men will flee to caves in the rocks and to holes in the ground from dread of the LORD…In that day men will throw away to the rodents and bats their idols of silver and idols of gold, which they made to worship. They will flee to caverns in the rocks and to the overhanging crags from dread of the LORD”
James talks about it:
“You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that a friendship with the world is hatred toward God?”
It is spiritual adultery when we worship anything or anyone other than God. James has a way of putting things doesn’t he?
Too often I have felt that shudder to my very core when the Holy Spirit helps me uncover some hidden agenda, fear, pattern or habit in my life that is totally missing the Christian mark. I mean way off!
Then the realization hits me about just how much time I have wasted or how many people I have hurt in the meantime.
The wreckage that needs to be dealt with as well as the sin.
I have told myself what I have wanted to hear too many times so I could keep safe in my little life. So I wouldn’t have to go through the agony of the shudder moment that has to change everything for me. Too many things that I have served keep me from being the woman that God created me to be.
The thing is, that once I feel it, name it, deal with it, and ask for forgiveness I must give it over to the cross.
It isn’t easy to give up the regret or shame that those moments can bring.
I fee like if I don’t carry it around for months or years then I am somehow diminishing the suffering that I must feel because of it.
Christ suffered for that sin as well.
If His forgiveness is not for me – then it isn’t for you – and I know it is.