I know she didn’t mean to do it, but my sister pulled a Jacob.
A very difficult family situation feels like a tragedy and a tragedy for me can become an idol.
I am in the middle of it right now, and I know how I need to act, but I don’t want to!
I want to act like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and stomp my feet and scream “I want it now daddy! I want it now!”
But I can’t. I am a Christian. That epic realization trumps it all. It just does.
I have to do it; sooner rather than later, because it is impossible for me to live this way. As Keller puts it, it is a bloodthirsty deity and hard to appease. Unforgiveness is a vice-grip that changes how I see everything every day. I’m still not there yet though. I woke up with the vice grip around my heart.
She is my only sister. There are hundreds of reasons and ways in which I can justify my anger and never forgive her. The only one on the other side of the tally sheet is that I am called to forgive without her even asking; To forgive because I am forgiven.
I am naturally inclined to want justice instead – to make sure that it is fair before I can move to forgive. Several years ago I recall hearing someone on television talking about how they had been able to forgive the drunk driver that killed their child. All those around her and even I were shocked and amazed that she would even want to let alone find the path. It seems like forgiveness on that scale is seen as weakness not strength from the Divine.
Then during my walk Max Lucado spoke to me this morning on the radio. He reminded me
“relationships do not survive because the guilty are punished but because the innocent are merciful.”
I’m not all high and mighty sitting up here on my throne of innocence, I’m still trying to figure my part out, but until I forgive and get past this, nothing else is possible.
I feel betrayed by her. I feel like she destroyed a dream I have had for many, many years. I believed that God was granting me one of the “desires or my heart.” I believed that God was bringing the desire of my heart and his will for me together.
I remember when Dennis preached about that and how sweet it is when those two worlds collide. By her actions she took it away from me. I wanted it so much.
Maybe that was the idol – the wanting?
I just know that I must forfeit this idol.
I know that I can do all things through Christ. I know because God tells me and if it were not so, he would not have told me. It is the Word of God. I have faith that He will be there every step of the way with me as I work through this. I know this because He has accompanied me on this journey before.
My Savior is not unfamiliar with betrayal.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another. Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32.
If I do not, I dishonor Him and I can’t bear to do that again.